


Bar Room Blitz

by ijemanja



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Outside Xbox - Fandom, Oxventure (Web Series)
Genre: Bad Chair Day, Drinking & Talking, Ensemble Cast, Gen, Team as Family, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21885871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ijemanja/pseuds/ijemanja
Summary: A group of weary and slightly drunk adventurers decide that they should totally open a bar, like, for real guys, this will be awesome.
Relationships: Merilwen & Corazon & Egbert & Prudence & Dob, Oxventure Team
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	Bar Room Blitz

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chasesstarlight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasesstarlight/gifts).



> Remember that time they took over a tavern? During 'Bad Chair Day'? I asked myself, so what if they hung out at the Silvery Trout for a while before heading off on their next adventure? And this is what happened.
> 
> Hope you enjoy, Chasesstarlight! Happy Yuletide!

Rather smoky and slightly singed from the burning of the warehouse where the evil furniture had been vanquished, the group of adventurers deliberated on what to do next. It was a short conversation.

"Listen, don't know about the rest of you, but I could do with a drink," said Corazon.

"Yes, please," said Egbert.

Prudence shrugged. "Sure."

"I could down a barrel of mead all on my own," said Dob.

"I'd really just like to chill out for a bit, meditate, you know," said Merilwen. "But after the drinking part."

"Oh! Just had an excellent thought," Dob said. "Guys, remember, we spent all that time doing up that pub? Well, there's alcohol at that pub. Let's go there!" 

And unlike the majority of the time Dob came up with an excellent idea, the others thought it was excellent, too.

"I mean, who even needs adventures, let's just stay here," Prudence said a short time later as they all sat around drinking moderately decent craft ale. "Like, this is fine."

They were not sitting around on chairs, of course, because the chairs had been evil and bent on destruction. Merilwen and Dob were perched side by side on top of the bar, Corazon was lounging in what he imagined was a handsome fashion against the fireplace mantel, Prudence had found a barrel to sit on, and Egbert was lying spread-eagle on the floor, hoping that someone would bring him another drink soon.

"Yeah, might be nice to have a place to hang the ol' hat," Dob mused. "Put down roots, that sort of thing."

"I mean, I've tried that before," Merilwen said. She nodded. "Yeah, s'all right."

"Beer," Egbert sighed.

"Not much atonement living the life of a dragon-skin rug on the floor of a tourist pub, though, is there?" Corazon said from where he was lounging handsomely.

Egbert replied, "See, but I'd be so happy I might not notice."

"Maybe we could really make a go of it," Dob said. "Just have a pub. Be publicans. Don't see how it could possibly be a bad idea."

"The previous owner was murdered by a chair," Merilwen pointed out.

"Which makes this place indisputably ours," Corazon said quickly.

Egbert jolted upright. "Oh! I want to be the barman! My specialty will be those cocktails that are on fire."

"All of the cocktails are going to be on fire, aren't they," Prudence said.

Egbert nodded enthusiastically.

Prudence nodded back. "I mean, good. That's some good bartending." 

Corazon was just tipsy enough off the long day's adventuring, and also the three pints of basically fine craft ale, to jump immediately on board with this new plan and attempt to take it over entirely. He clapped his hands together. "Okay, well, barman is sorted. Merilwen and Dob can be the waiters, and -"

"Nah," Merilwen said. "I was thinking more that I'd be the pub cat who sleeps on the end of the bar and all the patrons love me."

Corazon rolled his eyes. "Fine. Dob, you're the waiter."

"Oh," Dob said, "I thought I should probably be on the till. Someone needs to mind the cashbox, after all." 

"No," said Merilwen, Prudence, Corazon, and Egbert.

"Consider that Egbert isn't that great with numbers and I have an excellent history of fiscal responsibility so it would really be -"

"No."

"Best if I was the one who handled the mon-"

"No," said Merilwen, Prudence, and Corazon.

Egbert said, "I mean you're right, I'm not great with numbers, at all, but also noooo."

"Exactly," Corazon continued, "so Dob, you're the waiter."

"Can I at least be a singing waiter?"

"Sure."

" _Yes._ "

"Merilwen can mind the till while also lounging in cat-form on the end of the bar I guess if she must."

"Sure can."

"Prudence, that means you're the dishwasher."

"Aw, what?!"

"And I'll be the roguishly handsome rogue sitting mysteriously in the corner all night, brooding over a drink mysteriously. Oh man, I'm going to be so good at that."

"I mean, how clean does the dishware even need to be?" Prudence wondered. "I mean, really."

"Like, pretty clean," Corazon said.

"Yeah, what kind of establishment do you think we're running here?" Dob said.

"Put it this way. I'm prepared to do that thing where you spit on a thing and then polish it a bit with your sleeve." Prudence mimed this as she spoke, and then held out her hands to either side. "Eh?"

"Well." Dob made a face. "That's a bit..."

"Gross," Egbert finished.

Prudence nodded. "Gross, but is anyone else willing to do any better?"

Merilwen, who was less drunk and therefore still slightly sceptical about this whole situation, spoke up. "So in answer to the question 'what kind of establishment are we running here', it's basically one covered in Tiefling saliva. And everything you want to drink is on fire. But with good table service," she added, smiling at Dob. 

"And with fewer chair-murders than under the previous owners," Prudence said. "Bummer."

Dob rubbed his hands together. "Oh man, this is going to be great. All we need to really get this place off the ground is some new furniture." 

"Yeah, I can picture it." Prudence smiled dreamily.

"Furniture that doesn't eat people, I mean."

"Oh. I mean, sure, that could work, too."

Corazon spluttered, "The first time we were in here for a drink just two of those chairs almost did us in! You want to replace them with more evil chairs?"

"Not to sit on. I was thinking more like some sort of fighting pit. Two evil chairs go in, only one comes out. And we'd be taking bets, you know." Prudence shrugged. 

"Shame we blew up all the evil chairs, then," Merilwen said dryly.

"Yeah, it really is. Could have come in useful."

"Guys, guys, remember that time I blew up all of those evil chairs?" Egbert said.

"You can put other things in a fighting pit," Dob offered. Merilwen turned and glared at him, and he quickly held up his hands in defence. "Just putting it out there. Sometimes things _like_ fighting. And it would be convenient - for them I mean - to have a dedicated arena, _such as a pit_ , to do it in."

Prudence was nodding along. Corazon was looking intrigued. "Tell me more about all the money we'd make taking bets on our new fighting pit," he said.

"No fighting pit!" Merilwen's glare intensified and widened to include everyone present. "Not unless we put Egbert in it."

"Gimme twelve more beers and I'm there."

"I don't want to put Egbert in a fighting pit," Dob protested. "This noble beast?"

"Okay fine, we're agreed, fighting pits are dumb," Corazon said. 

Prudence rolled her eyes. "Fine, but we need something else evil about the place, or at the very least morally grey. You know, for ambience."

"Well, you're here," Egbert said.

"True, but I mean..."

"We're definitely going to water down the liquor. Is that evil enough?" Corazon said.

"Oh," said Merilwen, "what if we do that thing where we put some bread on a plate with a cheese wedge and a bit of lettuce and some chutney in a little pot and call it a deconstructed sandwich?"

Prudence pointed enthusiastically at Merilwen. "Yes, I love it. I mean I don't, it's the worst, which is why I love it. Also, I'm going to erect a shrine to Cthulu-Dad in the loo."

"That's going to make for an epically uncomfortable wee," Egbert said.

"Exactly."

"Great," said Corazon. "Can't wait for that. Anything else before we go steal a bunch of new chairs that don't eat people?"

"Oh, right now?" Merilwen said in dismay. "I don't want to go steal furniture, it's like 4AM and we just sat down."

"Yeah, I was thinking I'd -" Egbert fell back flat on the floor mid-sentence and began to snore.

"Dob could go for a nap, too," Dob said, and got down off the bar to curl up beneath it in an orcish ball.

"Prudence doesn't nap but will nevertheless eldritch blast the dickens out of anyone who bothers her for the next, like, ten hours at least. Been a long day, friends, just saying." Prudence remained perched on her barrel but brought her knees up so she was sitting cross-legged, and slipped easily into a calming eldritch warlock trance.

Corazon threw up his hands. "Look, you've got me all enthusiastic about this and now you're just going to slack off? Merilwen, you don't need to sleep!"

"Cat nap," she said with a broad grin, and turned into one.

"That's not nearly as adorable as you think it is," Corazon said, definitely not at all insecure about how adorable Merilwen was in cat form.

Merilwen, curled up in an adorably fuzzy ball on the bar, didn't reply.

A bit at a loss, Corazon looked around at them all, his friends, compatriots, and Dob, all of whom were settling in for the night if not already unconscious.

He huffed in annoyance, even as he realised that it had really all just been idle talk fuelled by booze and bone-weariness. Run a bar? None of them was particularly inclined to be tavern keepers, or to stay in one place; to settle down and do anything other than be what they were: adventurers.

They would make much less money, for one thing. And the sea was right there; any money they did make would end up in in the drink thanks to Dob. That's if they ever broke even with Egbert having access to the alcohol. 

Frankly, Corazon reflected, the five of them trying to run a bar was an absolutely terrible idea.

Maybe the thought of it seemed so appealing in the moment simply because it was a thing they could do together. With a slightly lower chance of dying than usual.

" _Maybe the real treasure to be found was in the friends we made along the way._ "

Corazon turned and glared at Dob, who was standing right behind him, whispering in his ear. "Shut up, Dob."

"Sorry, but I know a moment of heartfelt epiphany when I see one. Wanted to get in on the action."

"I wasn't - there was no - I did not have a moment of heartfelt epiphany! I'm clearly just drunk."

"You value us. Aw." Dob clasped his hands under his chin. "Buddy. Do you want to sing a song about friendship with me? I'll grab my lute."

"No! Absolutely not. Oh my god."

"Guys! Wake up! Corazon loves us."

"Lame!" Prudence shouted.

"I do not! You - lame - you're the - shut up."

Egbert didn't wake up, but he grinned smugly in his sleep, subconsciously realising how terribly embarrassing this was for Corazon and enjoying it immensely.

"Mrow," said Merilwen, and it was just the absolute last straw.

"You're all fired!" Corazon declared, and stomped off to find the best room in the house where he could get some sleep. Alone. And he was so totally going to slam the door.

"He says that," Dob said, lightly strumming his lute over the sound of a slamming door from somewhere upstairs, "but I think we all know what he really means. Deep down, that salty rogue of a pirate really and truly thinks I should be in charge of the till."


End file.
